Hilary Valdez (Photo by Hilary Valdez/Stripes Okinawa)
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” — Helen Keller
A lot of trauma and human suffering is occurring around the world. Depending on who you lost, depicts the emotional dept of your despair. For example, visualize a circular target of rings. At the center is the bulls eye, then the outer rings, green, yellow, red, blue. If you lose someone at the center, your pain is deep. If the person is in the yellow, not so close, but you’re affected, but not traumatically. The farther out you are from the conflict, the less emotional investment you have. But grief affects every part of who you are.
I trained Casualty Assistance Officers (CAO) and emphasized never use the word closure. Closure does not exist for a person who has lost a loved one. CAO billets are assigned; a soldier does not volunteer for this duty assignment. And as they amble to the door of the fallen soldier in their Class A uniform, the emotional tug-of-war begins. For some, it’s a grim duty and often a soldier feels ill equipped to manage the emotions of the bereaved, including their own reactions. Emotions are a key part of grief; and people handle grief differently. Grief reactions are not logical or rational. There is no quick way or pain-free way through grief. Healing takes time. Pain and sorrow are the price of a love lost to death.
“Healing is not becoming someone new. It is returning to what is most true within you.” Sufi viewpoint. Stationed with marines during Iraqi Freedom Two, I witnessed families struggling with grief of a loved one lost. After conducting numerous clinical de-briefing sessions, I realized the bridge to healing came from the emotional support offered by those around the survivor. Kindness and compassion can help relieve suffering. People need to realize they are not alone. The healing journey is best done with supportive friends. Trauma is isolating and can leave you feeling disconnected from life and others. For some accepting death of a loved one is near impossible. No amount of denial or bargaining will bring back a loved one. The difficult part here is when healing that you respect and listen to your feelings. The most difficult feelings are the most important ones to listen to.
“Grief is not a punishment. It is proof that you have loved deeply.” Sufi wisdom. As a Trauma specialist, I’ve been to many funerals for Navy, Marines and Army service members. As I witness their grief, I observed that recovery comes slowly, through small decisions repeated day after day. A person wakes up, faces another difficult morning, and chooses to continue. In that simple act, recovery has already begun. People often think recovery means returning to the way things once were. But true recovery is rarely a return to the past. Hardship changes people. Loss, illness, disappointment, addiction, grief, failure, and emotional pain leave their marks upon the human spirit. Your perception of reality has shifted. Your reality changed overnight. Recovery is not about erasing past experiences with a loved one but learning how to carry them with greater wisdom and strength. Sometimes the deepest healing comes not from forgetting suffering, but from understanding it.
“Healing begins when pride becomes humility and pain becomes understanding.” Ibn Arabi I had numerous counseling session with family members after a death. Healing occurs through connection, meaning, and hope. A person recovering from emotional pain usually needs more than advice. They need patience, understanding, and the reassurance that they are not alone. Even brief moments of kindness, a conversation, a walk outdoors, a supportive friend, a quiet prayer can become turning points in the recovery process.
Healing requires honesty. People must face their wounds instead of hiding from them. This can be uncomfortable because healing often asks individuals to examine fears, habits, regrets, and painful memories. And if spouses and in-laws are squabbling, these disagreements prolongs suffering. In this situation, which is common, recovery is both emotional, spiritual and financial. It asks a person to rediscover purpose, dignity, and inner balance.
“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” Friedrich Nietzsche. Many people silently struggle with exhaustion, loneliness, anxiety, and discouragement. A lot of unhappy souls out there. Yet healing is possible even when progress feels slow. You’re thinking when will the pain end? A healthier mind, stronger relationships, renewed faith, and a calmer spirit are often built gradually, one step at a time. Don’t rush for closure. Don’t rush healing. Ultimately, healing is an act of hope. It is the belief that despite suffering, life still contains meaning, beauty, and possibility. The healing person learns that strength is not found in perfection, but in the willingness to rise again after hardship.
“Tears are prayers that the heart sends when words are no longer enough.” Sufi reflection.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
