(Hilary Valdez)
“What’s right today is wrong tomorrow. It all depends on where you are; It all depends on when you are; It all depends on what you feel; It all depends on how you feel. It all depends on how you’re praised; It all depends on point of view. If tastes just happen to agree; Then you have morality. But when there are conflicting trends; It all depends; it all depends” -Anonymous
Conflict is a part of life. Conflict does not have to be negative. It can be a time for growth, change and cooperation. How we speak with each other is critical for effective conflict resolution. I’m all for expressing ones emotions, providing it occurs in a respectful manner. Emotions are electrochemical signals that affect the chemistry and electricity of every cell in the body. The body’s electrical state is regulated by emotions, changing the world within the body. Emotional states affect the world outside the body.
Your body language says a lot about your attitude. When resolving problems, stick with the issues rather than focusing on the characteristics of the person you are speaking with. Some people are annoying, but don’t let your opinions and judgments get in the way of communicating. Use the DESC model for communicating. Describe what happened. Explain your reaction. Look for a solution or what now? Then look at consequences and develop a Plan B. Use rational resilience to move from worst case scenario to best case scenario and what makes sense. This helps increase practical thinking, ease anxiety and establish realistic optimism.
I like Hilary’s “HUDDLE” method: Helping Uproot Daily Difficulties Logically and Effectively. Viewing conflict resolution as a collaborative process encourages all parties to contribute their perspectives and ideas. This approach promotes mutual understanding, creative problem-solving, and a sense of shared ownership in the resolution. The challenge here is to fight your own confirmation bias. Distance yourself from your thoughts. Ask fair questions. Consult with others. Prove your thoughts wrong. Dispute you own thinking. We produce at least 50-70 thoughts per day. And 70-80% of those thoughts are negative. That’s about 40,000 negative thoughts per day. And 98% of those thoughts are the same thoughts we had the day before.
Through it all, you need to develop your mental toughness. Develop your ability to understand the thoughts, emotions and behaviors of yourself and others. This includes thinking flexibly and accurately aka mental agility and taking on other perspectives and trying new ideas. The hard part here is regulating your emotions, impulses, and expressing emotions appropriately. Your objective is minimizing catastrophic thinking while reducing counterproductive thinking. If you are confused, look at your surface beliefs, they float on the surface of your awareness and hold the key as to how you react to things. Pavlov again: stimulus – response.
Finally, resolving conflicts effectively requires open communication, a collaborative approach, and a commitment to understanding and valuing diverse perspectives. By practicing forgiveness and letting go of grudges, we can release negative emotions, heal past wounds, and move forward with a renewed sense of hope and cooperation. Go beyond your comfort zone. Free yourself.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
