Hilary Valdez ( Hilary Valdez)
A long time ago, when I was operating at the Neanderthal level of consciousness, I had a bumper sticker on my car that said: “Happiness is Being Single.” I did not want marriage or the responsibility of children.
But, after years of TV dinners, sleeping alone, and going to Disneyland by myself, I reached the conclusion— I wanted to have children. The first roadblock on attaining that goal was finding a suitable mate who also wanted children.
When the Women’s Liberation Movement was going strong with slogans like “Ban the bra” and “Freedom Now,” dating was tough. Women were refusing to shave their legs, underarms, and were growing long, unkempt hair in defiant resistance of traditional womanhood. No cute sun dresses or heels, and no makeup. Dating was tough.
With the approval of contraceptives and rise in use during the 1960s, motherhood was a low priority. By 1963, 2.3 million women in America were on the pill. Women’s freedom and equality took centerstage.
Then, there were no speed dating or Internet dating apps to swipe left or right on a potential mate. A guy had to go out in the field and meet women face-to-face. The popular bumper sticker for feminist was “A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.” The playing field was rough, and a guy couldn’t get a date by asking: “Hi, would you like to get married and have kids some day?”
Today, as women continue to increase their education levels, committing to careers and experiencing less traditional gender roles, men are simultaneously experiencing a masculinity decline.
Recent studies have found that men are more likely to not have children even if they want them. The numbers are particularly low for men in lower income brackets.
Dr Robin Hadley, a published researcher on male childlessness, identifies lifestyle as the factor that affects a man’s ability to bear children. “The things that affect fertility outcomes: economics, biology, timing of events, relationship choice, nutritional lifestyle,” Hadley said. Each variable or a combination of those variables can leave men feeling disenfranchised, experiencing sadness and loss like there is “something missing” in their life, he added.
The birth rate is at a record low in the U.S., according to the Office for National Statistics. That is on par with the birth rates in other countries worldwide. “Social infertility” is described as failing to meet the right person at the right time, lack of resources, biological infertility, financial struggles, lack of education or professional skill by reproductive health experts.
For many individuals and couples, however, once all the social achievement boxes are checked, then marriage, parenthood, or both are possibilities. However, not everyone wants the responsibility of marriage or children or marriage and children.
As for me, after I completed graduate school at 32, I found a stable job, but my finances were low. I started thinking about marriage and children, but the clock was ticking. At 39, I was married and at 41 my wife and I had a child, then two years later, another child, then 19 months later, another child.
Fatherhood was real now. I was ready.
It was a satisfying decision that brought me great happiness ... just had to get through the diaper stages, hospital visits at midnight for colds and fevers, and lack of sleep. I had to remind myself: I volunteered for this!
But is it truly a “masculinity crisis” if both men and women are waiting (or their hand is forced by outside factors) to wait to have children? And is having children later a bad thing?
There is a case for children later in life. Researchers at Stanford University found that men who father children in their 50s and beyond, tend to live longer. Men can reproduce well into their silver years and have an evolutionary incentive to do so. Women also prosper when men of advanced age father children. Beneficial longevity genes are probably carried in the X and Y chromosomes, so dads pass them down to both their female and male children, spawning long-living men and women. And for all you silver year guys … are you in the Vasectomy Club?
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
