(Hilary Valdez)
Life is motion. Motion is energy. Life changes people. Circumstances change. In the early stages of my life, I experienced significant, emotional, loving, supportive and meaningful relationships with some wonderful women. And yet the deeper truth is, life is impermanent. Nothing, no matter how beautiful, stays exactly as it is. My mother used to say, “A relationship should sharpen your heart and make you more compassionate, it should not make your heart dull.” I would smile gently, but underneath it all, the quiet truth remained: I still missed that person. I still loved her. But life is about energy, vibrations and sensing: time is relentless in its motion, it does not wait for our hearts to catch up. Change is the energy that pushes us forward. Sadly, for me, the end of a relationship is one of the most deeply human experiences a person can endure. Life is full of regrets.
When I divorced, the moment marked the end of our routines, our shared identity and the roles that had given our lives structure and meaning. It was a death of sorts of a shared future, of dreams once held in common and of a connection that was once cherished. Yet, like all endings, it was also a beginning of healing, growth and rediscovery. It was painful and hurtful, as I struggled to find compassion. Our relationship ended with silence: I felt betrayed, our conversation was unfinished. Sadly, time moved forward, but my heart stayed behind.
When the relationship expired, I experienced a massive sense of loss. Time never erased my loss, kids were involved, I had custody, but the kids lost a mother. My divorce was agonizing, it was unraveling of something that once brought comfort, hope and joy. My healing was slow, painful and came from acceptance. Healing does not mean forgetting. It means carrying the love forward into the way we live, the way we treat others and view the world. After the final goodbye and a kiss on the cheek, my new voice began to emerge. I listened to it and it changed my relationship with my three children.
Being free from the emotional fog of marriage, gave way to my mental clarity. I begin to hear my inner voice again, which I buried and denied for the sake of the marriage. My new energy was guiding me toward a different vision from what I planned for my life. As my heart healed, I realized that love does not disappear, it transforms. A conciliation was reached and the relationship with my former took on a different shape, mostly with the kids. We had a truce as the kids’ mom became more active in their lives and still remains a part of who they are, with her new husband. The end of that relationship also offered an opportunity for my personal transformation and to reclaim my independence.
At times, emotional vibrations and physical attractions can be hurried or misunderstood. Remember the song by Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson, “To All The Girls I Loved Before?” And so here we all are, living in the present, yet carrying our past loves tenderly within us. Hopefully, not living a life in regret, not emotionally stuck, but acknowledging what was real. Love doesn’t vanish simply because someone leaves. It doesn’t dissolve with distance, or silence, or even time. When a person makes a home in your heart, they don’t pack up and go just because circumstances change. I’ve become a reflection of my past relationships and memories and they have become part of me and who I am.
Missing my past loves isn’t about wishing the past would come back unchanged. It’s about recognizing the impact they had on my life: how they helped shape me. But my wounds took me in a different direction; time does not erase the love that was shared. Ultimately, the end my relationships were not a sign of failure. I think that relationships do not have to last forever to be valuable. Each relationship taught me something about myself and the meaning of life. Sometimes, two people grow in different directions, and the most loving thing they can do is release one another, and that is painful. At the same time, they both honor the time they shared without holding each other back from what’s next. Letting go does not mean forgetting. It means acknowledging the relationship for what it was: a meaningful chapter in the story of our lives.
Sometimes, the end of a relationship teaches us more than its existence ever could, it shows us what we value, what we need and how strong we really are. We can honor the good without denying the bad. We can carry forward the lessons, the love and the growth without carrying the pain. Remembering the first kiss you shared with someone special, is something sacred. To truly kiss someone is to be fully present. It’s not just a contact of lips, but a contact of intention, affection and of humanity. A kiss becomes an affirmation of life and your life, serving as a reminder of the little things you shared like the way you were called, the laughs you shared, their kindness, their humor and smile. Those memories are imbedded into my soul, your soul, and comprise who we are now. And hopefully, a relationship sharpened your heart and made you more compassionate and your heart became sharper in the wisdom of loving another human being.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
