Health
Mental Notes with Hilary Valdez: Life adjustments
Stripes Okinawa
February 10, 2025
(Hilary Valdez)
When I was single, the bumper sticker on my car read: “Happiness is Being Single.” After a few years, that bumper sticker was replaced with “Baby in Car” placard. What happened to the carefree life of a debt-free bachelor?
Changing diapers and staying home, cooking dinner for the three kids was a major life adjustment. What happened to the honeymoon stage? It was replaced with the “disillusionment stage” and required quite an adjustment to my new lifestyle before I could enter the “acceptance stage.”
Both men and women can suffer from depression or undiagnosed adjustment disorders during high-stress life moments. According to the Cleveland Clinic, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses (DSM-5) criteria identifies adjustment disorders and associated symptoms to be depressed mood, anxiety, mixed anxiety and depressed mood, disturbance of conduct (like rebelliousness, recklessness or impulsive behavior), mixed disturbance or emotions and conduct, and adjustment disorder unspecified (includes headaches, body aches, stomach aches, insomnia and more).
Additionally, adjustment disorder can also be called situational depression by your healthcare provider. Cleveland Clinic signaled that emotional or behavioral symptoms can develop within three months of the start of a stressful life change like divorce, death, job change, or other lifestyle change.
Marines that I treated returning from Operation Iraqi Freedom II, had a lot of adjustment disorders symptoms to contend with, including some who also had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, being diagnosed with PTSD comes with a lifetime disability pension. Those evaluations were above my pay grade, usually a psychiatrist made those decisions.
When my mother passed, I felt lonely, alone, sad. Her death was a blow to my heart, my happiness; I felt empty. Luckily, I had a few long-term friends who I spoke with and released the pain in my heart. Friends come in handy and can work as an emotional support group. Later, when I received new orders to leave my cozy counseling office at NAF Atsugi and report to the Marine Combat Center at 29 Palms, it was unpleasant, and I was disillusioned. I realized and begrudgingly accepted that life adjustments are not always voluntary or positive. This unexpected event meant I was leaving behind familiar surroundings, relationships, and routines. Initially I was angry, resentful, uncertain of my future, compounded by culture shock.
When I left Japan, I did not see the move as an opportunity for growth. Adapting to a new environment surrounded by combat ready and hardened marines was quite a few steps out of my comfort zone. I was forced to develop new problem-solving skills and build new connections. Everyone was busy with war-fighting agendas, not a lot of time for male bonding and fellowship.
Life transitions often involve a social identity change. I could not derive support from my past network of friends, and I wasn’t part of any new social group. The Marines at 29 Palms were young and of a different generation. Members of my “old” group couldn’t offer emotional or psychological support to help me cope in this new phase of my life. I took comfort in the pitch-dark desert after the brief rains, star-filled night skies and sweet scent emitting from the creosote bush.
After a few months alone, and a friendly divorce, I entered a new phase: single father of three. Suddenly, I had to adapt to a new reality with no time for self-pity. Adapting meant cultivating self-compassion, patience and acknowledging my struggles without judgment and recognize that all adjustment take time. Finding a place to live was a challenge, where each child could have their own room. But I found a cute house near the Joshua Tree National Park with a vast desert area. In the dead of night to ease my tension, I would stand in the backyard staring at shooting stars, listening to howling coyotes. Filling my lungs deeply with the scent of jasmine, the earthy perfume of dry sands and subtle fragrances of the essence of untouched wilderness; these moments brought hope, joy, and relaxation, helping to restore my balance and harmony.
Years later, as the kids prepared to go off to college, I put the house on the market and several real estate agents strolled though. One agent pulled me aside and whispered, “Don’t sell. Wait! The price will go up.” I didn’t want to wait since I was returning to Japan after a four-year tour of duty, but I waited and eventually the house nearly tripled in value. Hello retirement!
When people view life adjustments as a natural and necessary part of the human experience, individuals can cultivate a sense of resilience and adaptability that serves them well in the face of uncertainty. Life adjustments are a basic part of the human journey. They challenge us to step out of our comfort zones, confront our fears, and embrace new possibilities. I did and it paid off in reshaping my inner growth, strengthening my character and insight into myself and humanity.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.