(Hilary Valdez)
Before you find yourself, you must lose yourself. It’s like turning into a dead-end street. The journey into self can be a journey into fear. Life is a balance between holding on and letting go. Whatever pain you accumulate, let it go. Every person walks around with a degree of sadness. If you’re sad, talk, don’t hold back; silence leads to increased sadness. Pain ends or at least diminishes. Your existence is about facing yourself and outer challenges. Just open your eyes and look within.
When I was in the sixth grade, I was eager to discover the world. Where do I fit in? What should I do? My parents were super religious, so I spent a lot of time in church thinking quietly; praying for a miracle to travel the world. But I had to act normal and try and adjust to my frustration of being a sixth grader.
On the highway of life, I encountered obstacles and challenges that helped clarify my life objectives and long-term goals. The big psychological concept breaker for me was separating my mystical dreams vs. reality. That insight was a loss of my fundamental innocence that every child must face at some point in their lives. Lifting the curtain to the realities of life was tough, still is, but there is no escape button to mental well-being. Do I compromise my dreams? What is real and what is imagined? What is required to lead a meaningful life?
Lacking money and opportunity, my spirit and mind was weighed down by heavy thoughts and emotions, it was like wearing a lead cap that was slowing me down. In my dark moments of life, there were no command-alt-delete button. My mother, a sarcastic New Yorker, would scowl at me saying, “Are you made of sugar?” Well, that didn’t help. My father was quiet and would just stare at me. His gaze told the story. He wasn’t emotional – he was tough and pragmatic. He wasn’t the cuddly-fluffy type of man. He never let himself experience “emotional hijacking” or allow his feelings to take control of his judgments. As a safety engineer overseeing major construction projects, men and equipment – he was old school. During World War II he worked at the Brooklyn Navy Yard docks. Our father-son generational conflict became a source of struggle, as well as a catalyst for my personal growth.
Although my father wouldn’t help me, I eventually realized it was tough love, which I didn’t appreciate at the time. My brothers death deeply affected him. My dad wasn’t going to pamper me or turn me into an emotional marshmallow. I soon came to realize that if my misfortune happens more than once, then it’s about my behavior. My father made me angry yet determined to succeed. I asked myself what motivates me? What do I envy? What’s the plan?
I understood that my choices played a significant role in shaping my life. I decided to PACE myself: Patience, Acceptance, Compassion, Equality for all. Sigmund Freud’s Pleasure Principle Theory wasn’t working for me. Rational Emotive Therapy was now in my playbook of life. Choices and consequences: irrational thinking, and anxiety, was replaced with rational thought.
I decided to evolve and grow and discover my natural essence and embrace the core of my being, no more being a trembling soul fighting against uncertainty and fear. Time to assess and revise my path as I traveled the highway of my destiny. I assessed what was manageable and within my power to change. I began to accept that the human experience was about sadness and happiness including the universal struggle of love and loneliness. I was eager to move forward, adapt, change and accept the different roles I played in life. I didn’t like being bored, but I wanted to make a positive contribution to the planet and be a cooperative and cordial person with all of humanity that I met along the highway.
Life is navigating instability and ambiguity. In Seattle, I stumbled across the DESC method: Describe the situations I didn’t like; Explain how it affects my feelings; search for Solutions; Examine the Consequences. I didn’t want to look back at my life with a suitcase full of regret. On the Highway of Life, we only have so much luck.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
