(Hilary Valdez)
Editor’s Note: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, when victims, survivors and their loved ones mourn the loss of those lost to domestic violence and raise awareness for change. If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, there are many resources that can help. Follow the links below this column.
During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, happiness and hope prevails for the prospect of a future life together. In the beginning, everything is good. All is bright with the promise of tomorrow. Then, the disillusionment phase sets in and perceptions change, the mood is altered, intimacy wanes. Enter the misery stage, where self-pity, anger, emotional exhaustion, threats, abusive language, sexual and physical abuse can set in. This is domestic violence. Arguments with intimidating or hurtful words are creating a long-term impact. Some abusers threaten violence or physically hit the other person. Usually, the abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts. Sadly, the cycle repeats itself, no change in behavior. Domestic violence is insidious.
Domestic violence is often aimed at women but can happen with male partners or same-sex couples. According to the Mayo Clinic, if you’re in a same-sex relationship or if you’re bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing abuse if you’re with someone who threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members about your sexual orientation or gender identity. Or someone who tells you that authorities won’t help you because of your sexuality or gender identity. Then, justifies their abuse by questioning your sexuality or gender identity.
Intimate partner violence relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control a partner. What happened to the honeymoon phase and the commitment where you pledged to love, honor, obey; take care of each other in sickness and in health, until death do us part?
At times it is not possible to identify an abuser, they out-nice you with their charms, smiles, sweetness and stable demeanor. But an abuser can’t hide himself forever. The happy hypocrite can only keep a credible façade for so long, then his true colors come out. His behavior is shrewd. Name calling and insults seep in and grow in intensity over time. Followed by discouraging you from seeing family and friends. Then the behavior becomes possessive including jealousy, when drinking, anger rises and ultimately threats and violence occur with a weapon, even attacking the kids, pets or himself.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, domestic violence is associated with a range of physical and mental health effects. Domestic violence can affect anyone. More than one in three women, and one in four men, have experienced physical violence, rape or stalking victimization by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Domestic violence accounts for about 20% of all violent crimes. More than half of transgender and nonbinary people (54%) have experienced some type of intimate partner violence in their lives.
Estimates published by World Health Organization indicate that globally about 1 in 3 (30%) of women worldwide have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Almost one-third (27%) of women ages 15-49 years who have been in a relationship report that they have been subjected to some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner.
I have been in counseling session with female victims who after a while, normalize the abusive behavior, akin to Stockholm syndrome. Breaking the cycle becomes entrenched and difficult to halt. The National Domestic Hotline states that abusive relationships are extremely complex situations, and it takes a lot of courage to leave. Abuse is about power and control. When a survivor leaves their abusive relationship, they threaten the power and control their partner has established over them. This often causes the partner to retaliate in harmful ways. No matter the reason, leaving any relationship can be difficult; doing so in an abusive situation can feel impossible without the right access to support. As a result, leaving is often the most dangerous period of time for survivors of abuse.
Hilary Kouzu, a Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate at Camp Zama, Japan, states the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the physical and emotional toll. You might become depressed and anxious, or you might begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. This confusion among survivors often makes it difficult to seek help.
Kouzu said support and resources are available for victims. Victim Advocates (VA) like Kouzu provide comprehensive assistance and support 24/7 including secure medical treatment, counseling and referral services while developing a plan of action, assistance with transitional compensation and information on legal rights and proceedings. The options for reporting include Restricted Reporting, which allows victims the option of receiving medical treatment and counseling without starting an investigation or Command involvement. Unrestricted Reporting allows victims to receive medical treatment, counseling including an official investigation of the allegation. Soldiers and family members at Camp Zama, can report an incident or seek assistance at DSN: 315-263-5084/4357 or 046-407-5084/4357. She is located at Army Community Services, Bldg. 402, Camp Zama or email: hisaka.h.kouzu.ctr@army.mil or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233; toll-free).
On Oct. 22, from 6-7 p.m., there will be a candlelight vigil walk at Camp Zama’s Torii gate honoring domestic violence victims and survivors. Safe pen lights will be provided.
If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship check out more resources for assistance here. Reach out to a trusted person, or the Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate at your local installation.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
